Nine
Scootie was no easily fazed, but for the life of him he
couldn’t figure the greeting kisses of Virginia Mendheart. Perhaps the problem
was background. From an impoverished childhood in Altoona, Pennsylvania to
director of the Prologue Life Insurance Company, Virginia had run the gamut of
greetings: the hearty backslap, the awkward half-wave of the pre-feminist,
male-female introduction, and the firm handshake of the business world. No she
was stuck between the cheek-to-cheek air kiss of high society and the
lip-on-lip Eurosmack of the artsy elite.
Thus, once a week, Scootie would approach her like a
linebacker trying to guess run or pass. Sometimes he would go for the cheek,
only to have Virginia kiss him in the ear. Other times, he went for the lips,
and she would step back, pursing her lips as though she had bitten into a
lemon.
He was happy, then, when Juliana arrived first, in a linen
shirt vest and palazzo pants. He was happy, too, that they had dropped their
initial, uncomfortable flirtations and settled into a friendly working
relationship.
“Good morning, Scootie. Virginia will be a little late. Any
coffee in here?”
“Coffee is everywhere at Fetzle. There on that concrete
monstrosity in the corner.”
“Geez! How did they get that thing in here?”
“The Hallis High football team.”
“Really?” She sipped too quickly and had to let the coffee
cool on her tongue. “Is it that valuable?”
“Turn-of-the-century. Taken from an original at Versailles.
We wanted nothing but human hands on it.”
“Gracious!” Juliana sat in a wicker chair and laid folders
across the table like playing cards.
“Juliana,” said Scootie. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. When
Virginia greets people, is it better to...”
“Virginia! You’re here. Marvelous!”
Virginia burst through the door in a black lace blouse,
black pants and a yellow-and-black checked blazer. She looked like a demented
honeybee. Juliana rose to meet her with the half-hug and air kiss.
“Darling, how are you?” asked Virginia. “I love that outfit,
so... Saudia Arabia. Hi, Scootie.”
Scootie rose to greet Virginia just as Juliana had, but was
greeted by two extended hands. What next?
“Scootie, don’t waltz with me, dear. Give me a kiss.”
Scootie placed a light smack on her lips and retreated to
his chair.
“These young men!” she said to Juliana. “So difficult to
train.”
Juliana gave Scootie an appraising look, as though she had just
discovered him there. “Yes, you do.”
Scootie was anxious to get down to business. He pulled a
stack of papers from his briefcase and passed them out.
“Well,” said Juliana. “What goodies are these?”
“Our Stephen Swan marketing strategy,” he answered. “Or at
least, my best guess. We’ve never done anything like this before, but
fortunately I had some help from your friend Kathleen in San Francisco. I’ve
got all the specifics on these papers, but if you want I can run down the major
themes.
“Mostly this: with a name like Stephen’s, nothing too fancy
is needed. I’ve covered the locals with the Half Moon Bay and Santa Cruz
dailies, extended it to Monterey with a classical radio station, and I’m
hitting the Bay Area in general with an ad in the Chronicle pink section.”
“What about the freebies?” asked Virginia. “Tell us about
the freebies.”
“Articles from the papers are a cinch – local boy makes
good, etc. The Chron might be a push, because they get big names every week.
But I’d bet on San Jose.”
“Good,” said Juliana. “What about radio and TV?”
“That’s a little tougher. We won’t have access to Mister
Swan till pretty late in the game, so interviews might be a problem. We should,
however, get a few PSAs from our regular radio stations...”
“PSAs?” asked Virginia.
“Public Service Announcements.”
“Oh.”
“I’m also working on spots at the cable stations, and we
might get coverage from KKOW in Salinas, but I’m not sure about the big
stations over the hill. Not enough in the way of visuals.”
“Could we get one of them to use excerpts from Stephen’s
films?” asked Juliana.
“That’s a good angle,” said Scootie. “Maybe that classic
movie host from KKPT. In any case, for specifics, you can see the dates and
airtimes on page...”
Virginia slapped both hands on the table. “Giveaways!”
“Giveaways?” said Scootie.
“Yes!” said Virginia. “My nephew runs a theater in San
Carlos, and he gives tickets to radio stations so they can do on-air
giveaways.”
Scootie smelled trouble. “Well, yes... I do that with some
of the regular stuff here at Fetzle. But for a fundraiser? You’ve got people
paying a hundred dollars for these tickets. What would they think if they found
out we were giving out freebies?”
Virginia’s eyes shrank back to normal size. “Oh. Well... it
was a good thought.”
“Yes, it was,” said Scootie, but he could see the gears
still clicking away in her head.
The meeting ran another hour. Virginia headed off for a
meeting in Pacifica, leaving Juliana gazing out the solarium windows as Scootie
finished his notes. Afterward, he walked her out the front of the mansion.
“Don’t you usually hike down that back trail of yours?”
“Not today,” she replied. “I’m meeting Scott for dinner in
The City.”
“Special occasion?”
“Nope. My husband is in a generous mood lately.”
“Ah.” They descended the front steps and crossed to her car
in the employee parking lot.
“By the way,” said Juliana. “Stephen’s agent wrote to say
that... This is a little hard to explain. Apparently, Mr. Swan has developed
certain eccentricities that require the presence of a calm, capable backstage
assistant. I immediately thought of you.”
“I’m honored,” said Scootie. “Did he give you any
particulars as to these... eccentricities?”
“Not a one,” said Juliana, biting her lip. “I hope it’s
nothing involving malt liguor and chainsaws. But I’m sure you can handle it.
I’d bet you could handle just about anything.”
Scootie laughed. “Now that you mention it, there is one
thing. How the hell does one go about greeting Virginia? She throws a new trick
every time I see her.”
“Ah,” said Juliana, smiling. “That is tricky.” She placed
her hands on his shoulder and nudged him into position. “I’ll be Virginia.
First off, I’ll pretend to be vaguely British.”
“You’ve noticed that, too.”
“Quite. Now, it’s a very subtle thing, but it’s all in the
face and hands. If I come at you like this, with my arms in front of me, palms
facing in, with a gleeful, friendly expression, give me a gentle hug – no
squeezing – and kiss the air somewhere near my cheek. Oh, and be sure to commit
to the left or right – otherwise we might lose teeth.” She approached him as
described, and he placed a kiss one inch from her left cheek.
“Lovely,” said Juliana. “Now I will come at you, arms
forward – but this time, palms facing up – fingers curled slightly inward, and
on my face I will wear a look of sultry determination, like Blanche Dubois on a
bad hair day. In this case, you should take my hands, hold them for one beat
(as we say in the theater), then kiss me, firmly yet briefly, on the lips. And
remember, it’s not that I want to be desired, it’s more that I want to be found
acceptable of kissing. It’s an older-female thing.”
Juliana backed up a step, setting herself into the
appropriate posture, then made her approach. Scootie followed her instructions,
not quite processing the action until their lips were detached, and Juliana was
still holding his hands.
“Well,” she said. “Perhaps not so long on the kiss.”
Photo by MJV
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